Blood and Tears

Roli’ s blood froze as she heard him turn over in bed and snort in his characteristic way.

When he remained asleep, she chastised herself for her fear. She knew he slept deeply. She needed to calm down. She assured herself that she had planned everything as carefully as was possible and that she would make it out.

Her sister’s voice rang in her head as she carried her baby out of his cot.

“If you don’t walk out, you’ll be carried out.”

The same sister who was waiting outside, two houses down. The one who had taken her to and sat with her in hospital several times. The one she had argued with. Whom she had assured that she could “handle it”. The very same one whose tears had fallen so freely when she had found Roli passed out on the floor of her kitchen one day.

Roli had finally built up the courage to leave her husband. The brute that had imprisoned her in a cage of shame and silence. It had taken years, but she had finally come to the knowledge that if she was worth dying for, then surely, she owed it to God to live the life He had bought with the heaviest price.

But the fear was so real.

The sheer terror she felt at the thought of what would happen when he woke and discovered her gone.

But she would think of that later. First, she had to escape…

The next day, Made, Nkoli, Hajo, and Eghe sat at a table in their favorite restaurant, the first three marveling at the news that Roli had finally left K.J.

“I dont know how she stayed with him as long as she did! That man is a beast!” Hajo said passionately.

“I know right? Made’s eyes were round. How a girl as beautiful as Roli could put herself through all of that is beyond me.”

“I could NEVER stay if I were in her shoes. Never! Why would I let a man abuse me? Is he my God? Marriage is not by force abeg!” Nkoli chimed in, her mouth turned down at the corners, disgust and disdain all over her face.

Eghe watched quietly. Not for the first time, she wondered how people were able to talk out of both sides of their mouths with such straight faces. She had talked with each of them extensively (albeit privately) about their own situations after all.

Nkoli looked at her. “Why aren’t you saying anything? Or do you agree with her staying there all these years?”

“You know I don’t.” Eghe said calmly.

She was mentally weighing if it was worth saying out loud the words she was speaking in her head. As usual, she decided against it. Whenever she spoke her mind, her ‘friends’ reminded her that she was single and thus, could not have any opinion about marriage worth the breath she used to speak it.

“Then why are you so quiet?” Hajo asked, reaching for the ‘virgin’ mojito she had snuck her own rum into.

“Exactly! I don’t trust you sometimes honestly! Just sitting there quietly!” Made said, a frown on her face, and her arms crossed.

Eghe sighed. She couldn’t win with this lot. When she spoke, they jumped down her throat, and when she was silent, they treated her like a witch out of Macbeth.

She knew she needed to change her circle, but it was difficult to throw friendships away. Especially those that dated from secondary school. Perhaps she did fit in with them, she thought. Her friendship with them was abusive after all.

She opened her mouth, then chose peace. Picking up her bag, she smiled apologetically to the others.

“Sorry loves, I just remembered that my mother asked me to buy her brown rice for her dinner tonight. And the supermarket closes in forty five minutes. I need to get a move on.” She said cheerfully.

“I have told you that you are old enough to move out on your own. All these weird errands you run…” Made said, reaching across the table for a spring roll, bracelets fighting for space on her arm.

“Don’t mind her. she refuses to marry, and refuses to move out. “ Hajo, who had never slept a night alone in her life agreed.

“When are you going to start to live for yourself? Nkoli asked, disdain lacing every word. “All of this ‘mummy’ business is so limiting.”

Eghe laughed. “Thank you all for your concern. I have to go now. To attend to ‘mummy’ matters.”

Amid their half hearted protests, she paid the bill and left.

As she drove out of the complex, she looked in her rear view mirror, catching a glimpse of Hajo’s driver, peeping impatiently into the restaurant window and pulling his phone out of his pocket.

She shook her calm, unbothered, single head and inched into the road ahead.

Made felt her stomach drop as she drove into her compound. T didn’t generally get home early, and when he did, it usually spelled trouble.

She found herself dragging her feet after she parked the car and started to walk to the front door.

Once at it, she took a deep breath and turned the knob to let herself in. As she walked into the living room, she felt T’s steely voice hit her in her gut.

“I don’t know why I put up with you. All you do is spend my money and age exponentially each year. You do nothing, and are worth nothing. Just look at you! Useless! Where are my children?”

Made made sure her voice was low and even. “They said they wanted to visit my parents…”

“I have told you that I don’t want them spending time in that cramped, poverty stricken house! I didn’t save you from the gutter to have my children vacation there!”

Not too far away, Hajo was showing her husband the selfies with time stamps that would prove that she had indeed been meeting her friends as opposed to a man.He was still seething from the fact that she had not told him about the money her father had sent her. She knew he checked her messages and so had disabled text alerts. But she had forgotten he read her emails on his laptop as he was signed into all her accounts.

Conversely, Nkoli might as well have been invisible, as she stood in her living room, trying to get her husband to acknowledge her presence. Just as she always had to. Just as he had threatened he would make her do after she had gone against his wishes and given birth to the third child he had made clear he didn’t want.

“How was your day?” She asked again. And just as he had before, he looked up incredulously, as if he couldn’t imagine that she was speaking to him.

“Please Chigozie, please talk to me. We can’t go on like this.”

Chigozie sat back and looked her square in the face.

And then picked up his phone, ignoring her summarily.

She sat down beside him and as he went to get up, she grabbed his hand.

“Chigo! Please! I am sorry I kept the baby, but what was I to do? The doctor warned that I musn’t have another abortion! I told you we should see to some permanent birth control, and you heard them tell me that I couldn’t use anything hormonal, but still you refused to do anything! What would you have had me do?” She asked, tears making her eyes glassy.

Chigozie sat back down and took her hands in his. Against her better judgment, Nkoli felt hope leap in her heart. He hadn’t touched her in two years.

She smiled at him tremulously. His handsome features relaxed into a smile of his own. He paused for a moment, took a deep breath and looked at her steadily.

“Die Nkoli. I would have had you die.”

*an excerpt from one of my books.

**************************************************************************************

Before anyone starts to froth and foam, yes, we all know that the scenarios are not the same. I am by no means trying to trivialize Domestic Violence, or equate the other types of abuse with it. There is no scale for the soul and the spirit. We can create neither. But EVERY SINGLE CASE leads to death of some sort - of the soul, the spirit, of hope, of growth, of the future, And in the worst cases, of a person.

The psychology of abuse is dark. Very dark.

It ignores religion, forgets antecedents,makes a mockery of love and flies in the face of support. People of all faiths, inclinations, social standing and financial positions suffer it stay - against all advice.

The ideology behind it can be rooted in culture, religion, societal pressure, fear, and even a savior complex. The abused often feel a burden of responsibility for their abuser’s moods, dispositions, tempers, rages, indifference, sexual indiscipline and indiscretions, and ghastly behavior.

I know a woman who was being brutally beaten. She would call me in the middle of the night when he started to beat her. I heard him slapping, punching, and slamming her against walls. He even threatened to kill her and their child.

He wrecked her business and ate, quite literally, through her savings.

I figured that a fear of being homeless and without an income was part of the problem as her family is not resident in the same state.

She was found a house to live in- a place of her own, rent completely paid, and a good job. Her siblings and parents were in full support of her leaving. I spoke, I cajoled, I begged, I reasoned with her. She agreed to move only if she could take him with her. She reasoned that the better location might change him. Imagine that.

She is still with him as I speak.

And he is still beating her.

So no, it is not always about a person not having a support system.

But should we stop talking, stop trying to help, stop ‘butting in’?

No way.

We must keep on, hoping and praying that the seeds of reason we plant will be watered and bear the fruit of survival. That hope and courage blossom.

If you are a Made, Nkoli or Hajo, I am not belittling or mocking your situation.Not at all. Indeed I am bringing it up to the light.

It is dire. Very dire.

Please see it for the abuse that it is.

No one has the right to destroy your insides. To snuff out your joy and kill your spirit.Find help, to fight for you and possibly your children who are seeing and internalizing it. Help break the cycle. By standing up.

To every Eghe out there, don’t be pushed into a bad situation by those who either seek for you to add to the numbers in their misery, or those who cannot see that they are enmeshed in evil.

Keep keeping on. Single or married, maintain your joy.

And to every dear, dear Roli. (Or Roland, because male victims often suffer in the dark)

You are loved.

By God, by your family, your friends, and all in your corner. Don’t believe the lies. You will not be reviled. You are not forsaken, weak or flawed. You have not failed. You are NOT alone. You will not be rejected by anyone who actually matters. You will heal!

The joy your smile sparks is lovely, your ideas are precious., your presence is both wanted and needed, your gifts and talents deserve to take flight and soar. The world needs you in it. The space you occupy is justified.

You can do this.

You can.

These are links and phone numbers that you can reach out to in Nigeria for help if you find yourself a victim of domestic violence. Many provide emergency shelter.

1. https://dsvrtlagos.org/

2. - 08000333333 (the number is free to call and they are experienced with dealing with all forms of abuse) (Lagos) you can also dial the text HELP to code 6820 or dial *6820#

3. Project @projectalert.org - 0805200469 (Lagos)

they provide shelter in addition to counselling and legal aid.

1. othawacabenin@yahoo.com, sothawaca@gmail.com - 08074403088, 0809172836 (Edo state)

2. wacolenugu@wacolnigeria.org - 0704 761 845 (Enugu)

3. Info@womenarise.not - 0803 409 0205 (Lagos)

4. braveheartinitiative@yahoo.com - 0706 191 0869, 0807 398 9838 (Delta state)

5. Pastor bimbo Odukoya Foundation - admin@pbofoundation.org -0803 580 0201, 0809 393 3439

6. abujasgbvrt@gmail.com - 234 807 811 1126 (Abuja)

7. fundforpeace.org - 080 9936 2222 (Port Harcourt)

10. http://www.womensafehouse.org/web/index.html - 234-811-266-3348

*There are others and even if you don’t live in any of these cities, you call one of these numbers. They can likely point you in the right direction.

For numbers in other countries, please, please find help. There are help lines and links online. Search outside the home on safe devices if need be. This thing has many faces., many creeds, and runs the gamut of human representation. Don’t stop at googling. CALL!!! PLEASE! There is more help available than you know.

Because you matter.

If you know of support organizations, helplines and relevant links in your country, please feel free to mention them in the comments. Thank you!